So I was feeling a bit stressed and touched out over the last 4/5 months, well to be fair it’s been getting better. I’ve been speaking to someone about it which has helped a little bit but that’s why I started this blog as a retreat from how I was feeling. Anyway, I think some of how I was feeling was definitely to do with lockdown last year. I think I battled through it and didn’t actually take time to realise how tough it was for me and how much it affected me mentally.
Don’t get me wrong I smashed it, I am proud of myself. We went into lockdown 4 weeks after Nova was born, Billy only had paternity for those 4 weeks and as he’s NHS he wasn’t furloughed. So straight back to work he went. But obviously we weren’t allowed any visitors, so it was just me and a 4 week old baby until Billy got home just after 3. I should probably count myself lucky he was home that early and that I had someone who could come home to me. But it was during the day when Nova was inconsolable and I was so exhausted that I just so desperately wanted someone to help, especially my mum. I wanted and needed her so bad.
Around 10 weeks Nova started having really horrible bowel movements and was just so upset after breastfeeds, then she started projectile vommiting and pooing blood. I spoke to my HV who suggested CMPA and said she could drop off the scales for me to weigh Nova myself but couldn’t come in to help. That was tough, not even being able to get proper medical care. I didn’t even have a 6 to 8 week check, nobody even checked if I was actually okay.
Anyway, Nova’s weight was on track, but she was not okay, I spoke to the doctor who agreed with CMPA and said I could either cut dairy from my system or just use prescription formula, which in their words ‘is much easier’. But I chose to cut dairy. I loved Breastfeeding Nova and knew that I was giving her the best thing. Luckily things started getting better pretty quick after I cut it out which was a huge relief.
But then there was the leaps! I remember there was a day where Nova would not stop crying, no matter what I done. I was beyond exhausted and wanted my mum to come save me so bad. Nova finally dosed off so I laid her down next to me and started hanging up the washing, I hung up two items and flopped on the floor in hysterical tears. I was struggling so bad but nobody could help me. I wasn’t sure I could cope. But then I just laid there looking at her and realised I had to be strong for her.
As lockdown eased getting out to be at my mum’s couldn’t have come soon enough, I wanted to spend all my time there.
I honestly don’t think I took the time to realise how tough things were, but I also haven’t taken the time to realise how strong I actually was and how well I done. I know so many people were in awful situations because of covid but being a first time mum during a pandemic is not something a lot of people have been through and I, and many other parents should be unbelievably proud of themselves for getting through it.
I truly believe they were the forgotten ones.
As I said, as hard as it was I am super proud of myself. I pushed through and in some ways it has been a blessing, the bond me and Nova share is incredible, she had my undivided attention and I got to share so many moments with her. Her confidence and compassion is amazing, and she makes me beyond proud to be her mum.